chismosagal

  For the past semister at SJSU its been really difficult for me to transition. The campus is nice but I have not made any friends and sometimes I go through the day without talking to a single person. I do talk in class but I feel like people just stare at me because they know that I'm failing. I have been having a hard time with some of my classes and I have been getting the work done but I honestly think I feel like I should just drop out. My heart is not in the game at this momment and of course I want to be college educated but do I really want it that bad. I just think that some people depend on me too much to do things and sometimes I can't follow through. I don't want to be put on academic probation this semister I just have to do the work at follow through.

 I tend to this but I freak before a stats test. Well I have my second one on Monday and I want to get a super good grade. This week has been rough and the whole thing with office and working it just kind . Recently, I was at BN and one of my ex managers ask if I wanted to come back to work for the summer. I told him no because honestly, I really don't want to work for Sue again. I told him to let me know when Sue gets fired then I will comeback. I have met some interesting characters in my Stats class, the class itself is not that hard but there is a lot of stuff to remember and a lot of word problems . I'm scared I honestly don't want to take this class again. I just want to get on with my life and I still have not applied to any schools, but San Jose State is somewhat promising. When I think of San Francisco that is where I honestly want to be. I don't know, I think sometimes I'm just too hard on myself. I just have way to many issues and too many insecurities. That is why I relate towards the whole emo phenomenom because deep down inside I'm an emotional wreck. 

My caption pretty much sums up my week , My sis got tickets to American Idol which we are trying to go to on Wednesday night. Which were probably going to have to drive all night to get home I have two finals on thursdays my math final and sociology final. I'm doing my sociology final as we speak ,its a take home. The math one is somewhat hard but I know what to study for and yes, it is a big deal. I must pass this one, because I will look like a big failer if I don't pass it. I only need nineteen points to pass the final, not bad I will pass the class. Graduation is on Friday I have everything the dress the shoes and the gown. I just need to show up with a pen to change my name on the card. I tried to pull fast one and tell my mom the day before but somehow she fould out that I'm graduating. I honestly never thought I would come to this point. I'm so close to getting a college degree.

I feel terrible, but I have to leave the Writing Center this semister. I'm going to email Kim and I feel like a bitch
but I have to work at my dad's office the rest of the semister as the recepionist. Last week I worked for my spring break taking patients copays and making the deposits. I'm also babysitting some 19 year old who works there, her name is Squirt and tomorrow I'm going to be solo because she is recupperating from getting breast implants this Saturday, somedays I just want to kick her in her vagina. I hate that piece of shit girl because I tell her to do things and she doesn't I ask her to collect money and she doesn't do it. I just wish we could find someone who can do what there suppose to do.AHH, I hope it works out because I feel like if I don't help them its to come crashing down on us... 

I have been debating for the last week to change my major once again. I was reading in my Sociology book about public relations and the major itself but I think ideally it wouldn't been that bad. I still have no clue if I will actually ever move to San Francisco I just don't have the funds to sustain that money. My parents are not helping me and basically they told me that they won't help me with school. I'm on my own, they offered to send me to Dental Hygiene School, but I declined, I don't see myself working in that field. That is for my sister and friends even though they make like sixty thousand a year its just not for me. I have two years to make this happen and I have been studying my ass off to try to get my AA at the end of the semister. I just wish that I can actually get an education and I know its going to be hard but I have to make it happen even If I 'm poor the next three years. I just want this !!!

   Its only been the second week of school, and I'm stressed out. 
I have just been busy studying and doing my homework. I haven't been able to work at the office either because of all my school work. I feel bad and now the office is suffering because the new girls we hired still don't the day to day office duties. Its a mess and i feel like dropping out of school to help him. My sister told me no and eventually it will work it self out. I just really nervous but there is only so much I can do. I have to go there tommorrow morning and work but my anatomy and physiology class there is a ton of homework that I have to memorize.

We just hired two new people to work the front at my dad's office.
It blows because this morning I was trying to train both of them but its hard because they just don't get it. We have establish that one of the girls is leaving but now I think she should just go early, because it will be benficial  if she just goes now. I'm just really tired and weak at everything that is going on and I can't deal with it. There are days where everything will just be a mess, but I can't be there to pick up the pieces when they all fall.

Once again, I'm stuck and it sucks!!!  When I left Gryphon I thought that my dad would be able to fill the position in the front and that I was just temping for a little while. It looks like its going to be longer then expected now were looking at full time. Although it is going to be a challenge with school but it seems when something always goes bad at the office, I'm the glue that picks up the pieces. I have put my life on hold for him and his buisness but he always forgets to include that. My birthday was yestoday and yes I'm a quarter of century old!!! I overheard him talking about me saying that he is tired of supporting me financially. And yes he has helped me over the years but he neglects to remember that I have stuck by him and helped him.  
   Two weeks ago, my parents and I had a talk about charging me rent. Of course I don't have to pay for my rent but I do buy all the groceries and food for the animals. Plus I pay for the satelite dish and my car insurance. They wanted to charge me like three hundred a month which is cheap. I don't mind paying but right now I only have one job with one income. I won't be able to pay them for the rent. This is my hardest semister because I'm  Human Anatomy and Physiology, Math and Soc 1b. I already feel overwelmed with Bio 15 but I can pass. What I'm saying is I have to find a second job on the weekends. I feel terrible and already stressed.

For once in my life, I put so much effort in to this one task and once again I fall short. It seems everytime I try to make an attempt at a goal, it never comes to a goal. I move two steps back. I'm a mess and some how I have to come clean but I have no clue where to start or what to say to the people that mean the most to me. I'm just a screw up and I'm meant to be an ignorant bitch....

Sometimes being overweight can be a challenge. You don't get respected but your guard is constanely up because your not sure when someone is going to say something crude and disrespectful. At the end of day your still the same women that has been stuck in some big world. When I reflect on a lot of things I think my weight prevents me from truly succeding in life. Maybe I'm truly lazy....

I'm titling this entry as "ALL GOOD THINGS COME TO AN END" after the Nelly Furtado song I heard this morning. Tuesday was flashblack day when I saw an old friend named Rossi. Well actually his first name is Michael Rossi. See it all started with my dad sending me to the county office in downtown San Jose. Everyone knows that the county office is a hassle and well it was a hassle. I was putting coins into the meter and someone tap me on the back and I turned around and it was Rossi. Rossi use to play in this band called Stunt Monkey and of course I was on the street team. It brings back so much memories of me going to there shows and seeing them perform. I idealized these guys and I love them. Aram was the a.d.d. ridlin junkie, Rossi was the brainactic/the attorney of the group. Evan was the 420 junkie and Ben was the sucidal Emo boy. I had there posters,buttons, shirts,cd's, and friendship. I supported them it was a teenager thing. They had hits such as My girlfriend likes girls and your mom is hot. Seeing him just triggered memories of my friendship with Karen which ended. I have reflected on our friendship and maybe we weren't meant to be friends at the momment but if are paths cross in twenties years and then will start it up...
My dream was to see Stunt Monkey make it and unfortunaley they never did and they broke up. There so much better then working a boring ass 9 to 5 job and not putting to good use there musical instruments... I will forever be linked to them as the chubby fashionista girl that wanted them to hit billboard top ten...

I finally got trained for my new job.
Honestly, I don't like it and I still have to pay for my fingerprints. I havn't told the girl that got me in that I honestly dislike it.. Its just too much for me to handle at the momment. I feel like I have to take care of child when in doubt I just can't.. Carering for the eldery reminds me of taking care of my grandma before she died... It just reminds me of death and knowing there last momment could be right now... For some reason I miss working at B&N and I know that I talk shit and said I hated it. But honestly I missed it oh well who cares I'll figure it out. At the momment I'm just going to tell them forget it....

I found a job this afternoon its at the old folks home called Village Green. There going to pay me really well, which is good because I really need the money. I have to get a physical and finger printed which if I last for three monthes they will reburse me for the cost of the finger prints. My job is titled a Caregiver postion and my duties are helping the eldery get ready in the morning and night. Its weird but I'm sort of sacred but then I want to jump in and help them. The only people that scare me are the patients that have alzhemizer because they can have mini tantrums. Which I don't know how to help them. But oh well there going to train me for two days and there going to work around my school schedule for the semister.

I finally got my membership back at the gym, which I was super excited about. If you can tell well I'm hella fat. Yestoday, I went and of course I did't have card because they were suppose to make me one. When I walk in I notice there is no sign in sheet, so I ask the girl behind the counter if she can log me in. I tell her my name and she tells me that I'm not in the system and neither is my parents names the only name that is in there is my sis. Who well is a gym addicted. The girl tells me a rude way. "Did your dad pay?" And I tell of course he dropped like significant amount of money on this rat hole. My next response was can I at least work out for the day and she tells me just for today but don't come back until you have all your paperwork straighten out. FTP that bitch. What a twat and my sister called for me this morning and she told me that she was going to handle it for me. Thank lord because my tubby ass needs to everyday...

I miss Barnes and Noble, I think I want to go back. Because the Cahsee prep classes aren't going so well. They still don't have any students. I was just pissed off about the money thing. I think I want to go back because I need to save my money if I want to leave in a year. If I save 450 dollars for the next 12 mos I will have five thousand and forty dollars. Do you think I should ask for my job back or what. I am afraid that everyone will judge me but if I do go back you bet your ass that Im going to ask for nine dollars an hour...

Lately, I have been feeling a tad emotional. I know that its not like me because I am usually happy. This morning, I awoke to my mom yelling at me about some random thing. I got up and did what she asked. That is no excuse for me being emo but it happened mid afternoon when I got a call from Frank the owner Central Medical Labortories basically Frank manages all the Phlebotomist for San Jose, Morgan Hill, and Gilroy police departments. He was suppose to help me find a phlebotomy job but he called yestoday to tell me that he has no work for me. He was going to keep my resume on file. It sucks because I am making some form of effort but for some reason maybe its just not meant to be. I have had a ton of interviews and nothing postive ever comes good. I am so sick of this bullshit but I can't let this get me down.
Secondly, my new laptop the Hp I bought two monthes ago is broken. I am sad I tried turning it on and it goes into a blue screen. I have to take to Best Buy in the morning and hopefully its saveable. I'm covered in all angles I bought the service plan for three years and plus I just payed it off like in the beganinng of June. Oh well thats my dilemma something always happens to me!

Why do I even bother trying, when nothing postive ever comes out of it...

WHEN I WENT ON THE INTERVIEW NEARLY TWO WEEKS AGO, I THOUGHT TO MYSELF I GOT THIS JOB IT'S IN THE BAG. MAYBE IT WAS ME OVER THINKING THAT THEY WOULD HONESTLY GIVE IT TO ME. IT WAS THE HEAD LAB ASSISTANT THAT HAD TO BRING ME DOWN. THINKING THAT I CAN'T DO THIS JOB. IT HURTS THAT NO ONE OR ANY LABS WILL GIVE ME A CHANCE. I WASTED MY TIME AND MY PARENTS MONEY BECAUSE I WILL NEVER GET A JOB OR ANYTHING. I GUESS I AM DESTINED TO WORK AT BARNES & NOBLE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE. I AM ONE BIG FUCK UP.
SOME WOULD SAY THAT I AM HAVING A EMOTIONAL DAY AND IT IS TRUE. I CAN NEVER ACCOMPLISH ANYTHING BECAUSE I ALWAYS MANAGE TO SCREW UP MY LIFE. I SHOULD JUST CRAWL IN A BOX AND LIVE IN IT FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE. I'M A WRECK AND I SHARE A CODEPENDENT RELATIONSHIP WITH MY MOM AND DAD. WHO HAVE ALWAYS MANAGE TO GIVE ME WHAT I WANT. I TRY NOT TO DEPEND ON THEM BUT ITS KIND OF HARD ALWAYS HAVING THEM PAY FOR ME.

My mistakes are always made. Not knowing what I feel brings numbness to my tiredless body. I try to kill the pain but it still appears. I have deep scars, scars that have become scar tissue. I don't know how to heal but just stay still. I admire those who have there life in order where I will just stay in my situation. I don't know how to repair anything, I try but fall short. I have become my worst enemy in a lonely world. Writing has become my solace and that is how I cope.

Johnny Cash song hurt is one of the saddiest songs, I have ever heard..... I really like the video I watched yestoday on yahoo...